PREACHING

The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time

to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from

many cities.



On one occasion, when one of these visiting divines asked the president

how long he should speak, that witty officer replied:



"There is no limit, Doctor, upon the time you may preach; but I may tell

you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during

the first twenty-five minutes."





One Sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced

nervously:



"I will take for my text the words, 'And they fed five men with five

thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"



At this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner

said audibly:



"That's no miracle--I could do it myself."



The young preacher said nothing at the time, but the next Sunday he

announced the same text again. This time he got it right:



"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two

fishes."



He waited a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking at the

amen corner, he said:



"And could you do that, too, Mr. Smith?"



"Of course I could," Mr. Smith replied.



"And how would you do it?" said the preacher.



"With what was left over from last Sunday," said Mr. Smith.





The late Bishop Foss once visited a Philadelphia physician for some

trifling ailment. "Do you, sir," the doctor asked, in the course of his

examination, "talk in your sleep?"



"No sir," answered the bishop. "I talk in other people's. Aren't you

aware that I am a divine?"





"Yes, sir," said the irate man, "I got even with that clergyman. I

slurred him. Why, I hired one hundred people to attend his church and go

to sleep before he had preached five minutes."





A noted eastern Judge when visiting in the west went to church on

Sunday; which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand

that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last

degree. After the service the preacher met the Judge in the vestibule

and said: "Well, your Honor, how did you like the sermon?"



"Oh, most wonderfully," replied the Judge. "It was like the peace of

God; for it passed all understanding, and, like His mercy, I thought it

would have endured forever."





The preacher's evening discourse was dry and long, and the congregation

gradually melted away. The sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a

note under one corner of the Bible. It read:



"When you are through, will you please turn off the lights, lock the

door, and put the key under the mat?"





The new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much

favorable comment among the members of the church. One morning, a few

days later, his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's

study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on

the desk. They happened to be this identical sermon, but he was most

interested in the marginal notes. In one place in the margin were

written the words, "Cry a little." Further on in the discourse appeared

another marginal remark, "Cry a little more." On the next to the last

sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark, "Cry like

thunder."





A young preacher, who was staying at a clergy-house, was in the habit of

retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit

oratory. At such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and

pathos, and emptied it of almost everything else. Phillips Brooks

chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding

orator was holding forth.



"Gracious me!" exclaimed the Bishop, starting up in assumed terror,

"pray, what might that be?"



"Sit down, Bishop," his friend replied. "That's only young D----

practising what he preaches."





A distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a

Sunday-school. The divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of

too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend. At the

conclusion, the superintendent, according to custom, requested some one

in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung.



"Sing 'Revive Us Again,'" shouted a boy in the rear of the room.





A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his

woman parishioners.



"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the

consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"



"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"



"But how can I help that?" said the parson.



"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that

I thought if you would only preach a little for me!"





I never see my rector's eyes;

He hides their light divine;

For when he prays, he shuts his own,

And when he preaches, mine.





A stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated

himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over

to the white-haired man at his side, evidently an old member of the

congregation, he whispered:



"How long has he been preaching?"



"Thirty or forty years, I think," the old man answered.



"I'll stay then," decided the stranger. "He must be nearly done."





Once upon a time there was an Indian named Big Smoke, employed as a

missionary to his fellow Smokes.



A white man encountering Big Smoke, asked him what he did for a living.



"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me preach."



"That so? What do you get for preaching?"



"Me get ten dollars a year."



"Well," said the white man, "that's damn poor pay."



"Umph!" said Big Smoke, "me damn poor preacher."





_See also_ Clergy.