AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. Why, you know, rejoined his master, that the stick could never have walked off with itself.--Certainly not, sir, unless it was a walking-stick.
THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
Pius IX.," in the pontiff's own handwriting. Dr. Glynn was remarkable for many acts of kindness to poor persons. He had attended a sick family in the fens near Cambridge for a considerable time, and had never thought of any recompense for his skill
Dean Swift being in the country, on a visit to Dr. Sheridan, they were informed that a beggar's wedding was about to be celebrated. Sheridan played well upon the violin; Swift therefore proposed that he should go to the place where the ceremony was to b
The celebrated Anthony Domat, author of a treatise on the civil laws, was promoted to the office of judge of the provincial court of Clermont, in the territory of Auvergne, in the south of France. In this court he presided, with general applause, for tw
The following anecdote serves to exemplify how necessary it is upon any important occasion to scrutinise the accuracy of a statement before it is taken upon trust. A fellow was tried at the Old Bailey for highway robbery, and the prosecutor swore positi
A child of one of the crew of His Majesty's ship _Peacock_, during the action with the American vessel _Hornet_, occupied himself in chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the destruction and death which was going on all around him,
In his Personal Sketches, Sir Jonah Barrington gives us a portrait of Father O'Leary:-- I frequently had an opportunity of meeting at my father-in-law Mr. Grogan's, where he often dined, a most worthy priest, Father O'Leary, and have listened fre
As Swift was fond of scenes in low life, he missed no opportunity of being present at them when they fell in his way. Once when he was in the country, he received intelligence that there was to be a beggar's wedding in the neighborhood. He was resol
Swift, in one of his pedestrian journeys from London towards Chester, is reported to have taken shelter from a summer tempest under a large oak on the road side, at no great distance from Litchfield. Presently, a man, with a pregnant woman, wore dri
While the prosecution for the Draper's fourth letter was depending, Swift one day waited at the Castle for an audience of Lord Carteret, the Lord Lieutenant, till his patience was exhausted; upon which he wrote the following couplet on a window, and
It was difficult for O'Connell, even at an advanced period of his professional career, to exhibit those powers as an advocate, which were afterwards so finely developed; for the silk gown that encased inferior merit gave a precedence to Protestant l
Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a muff!'
LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is represented. That's intended, said A'Beckett, as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country.
First Prize Bantam
"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month. He is well paid that
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: "And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?" "I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year." For little childr
Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you!
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half...
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but won
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me anot
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?" "Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think." "And did he finally reme
The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked: "Did you have a good night's rest?" "Well, no, I did
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?" "I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one." * * * _He:_ "I never knew until
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great. The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled h
_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all." * * *
You are standing in front of a room with one lightbulb inside of it. You cannot see if it is on or off. Outside the room there are 3 switches in the off positions. You may turn the switches any way you want to. You stop turning the switches, enter the roo
After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and turn IX into 6. The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the
A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bustrip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?
A large truck is crossing a bridge 1 mile long. The bridge can only hold 14000 lbs, which is the exact weight of the truck. The truck makes it half way across the bridge and stops. A bird lands on the truck. Does the bridge collapse? Give a reason.
A time when they’re green, a time when they’re brown, But both of these times, cause me to frown. But just in between, for a very short while, They’re perfect and yellow, and cause me to smile! What am I talking about here?
'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks, And plunges in the cooling tide, Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken. --That is terrible, how did it happen? --Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.
--"I want to be an angel." --"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."
--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick." --"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.
Here's a health to thee, Tom: a bright bumper we drain To the friends that our bosoms hold dear, As the bottle goes round, and again and again We whisper, "We wish he were here." Here's a health to thee, Tom: may the mis
You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique? Never see heem runnin' roun' about de place? 'Cos I want to get advice how to kip heem lookin' nice, So he won't be alway dirty on de face. Now dat leetle boy of mine, Dominique, I
W'en I was young boy on de farm--dat's twenty year ago-- I have wan frien', he's leev near me, call Jean Bateese Trudeau, An offen, w'en we are alone, we lak for spik about De tam w'en we was come beeg man, wit' moustache on our mo
Five years ago, come next summer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax, in one of our Digby coasters, to see sister Susannah, that is married in that city to Ted Fowler, the upholsterer, and took a whole lot of little notions with her to market to
You know Uncle Tim; he was small, very small--not in stature, for he was a six-footer, but small in mind and small in heart; his soul was no bigger than a flea's. "Zeb, my boy," says he to me one day, "always be neuter in elections. You can't get
A carrion crow, perceiving a brood of fourteen chickens under the care of the parent-hen, on a lawn, picked up one; but on a young lady opening the window and giving an alarm, the robber dropped his prey. In the course of the day, however, the plu
A shepherd, who was hanged for sheep-stealing, used to commit his depredations by means of his dog. When he intended to steal any sheep, he detached the dog to perform the business. With this view, under pretence of looking at the sheep, with an i
A carrier on his way to a market town had occasion to stop at some houses by the road side, in the way of his business, leaving his cart and horse upon the public road, under the protection of a passenger and a trusty dog. Upon his return he misse
A pair of goldfinches who had the misfortune to be captured, together with their nest and six young ones, were placed in a double cage, with a pair of canaries, which had a brood of young; there was a division of wirework between the cages. At fir
A shepherd, in one of his excursions to look after his flock, took with him one of his children, an infant of three years old. After traversing his pastures for some time, attended by his dog, he found it necessary to ascend a summit at some dista
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man wi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man wi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man wi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man wi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man wi
We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--money. The poor feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp and power, are but the creatures of mone
We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a most mysterious manner, with the utmost e
We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--tha
Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the Buckeye State. It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all within were blyth
A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott, "Got any Psalms here?" "N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a moment's pause,